Further Adventures in Spam Poetry

This is comedic gold. It turns out I really need to call them and explain on the phone I'm deaf and dumb.

Debt Management Office
Federal Secretariat Complex Annex
Block F204, Ikoyi Lagos.
Verification and Revalidation unit
Mr. Akinloye Williams
Chairman:

Attn: General joe hameed

We receive the shock news of a near fatal accident that left you with a broken spinal cord which impaired your ability to hear and speak. In order words, we have been officially informed that you are now invalid, deaf and dumb arising from a motor accident which damaged your spinal cord. This information is provided to us by your Nigerian Lawyer appointed to oversee your transaction.
Furthermore, the Lawyer presents us a set of documents to portray that you have willed your funds to him and has given him a Power of Attorney to take over your transaction and claim your outstanding funds accordingly.

In view of the sympathetic and sensible nature of this report, we are obliged to confirm this from you before taking action in favour of your Lawyer by wiring the funds to his chosen bank account as well as sympathize with you.

Pease confirm the validity of this report and state clearly whether you are invalid, deaf and dumb arising from your auto accident.
To further convince us that you are the very person, I would prefer you call me immediately you receive this message otherwise, we would have no choice but to act according to you’re Will.
Expecting to receive your call and email.
Yours faithfully,

Mr. Akinloye Williams
Chairman payment coordinator

Best Spam Ever!

Today I present to you the most wonderful spam. And the best part was reading it with my friend Meryl, we both cracked up at the defunct part.

From Frank And Nadsh Konah
Cote D'ivore West Africa
Address No :03 BP Cocody
Abidjan West Africa
Hello Dear One,

This is with a hot heart that I offer you my friendship. All time this contact could seem to you strange, for we dont know each other for the first time and let not us have personal to the paravent of the reports of matters. I ask humbly you to take in consideration this that I and you revle considering This importance and of these immense advantages. My name is Frank Konah, from Sierra Leone. But Residencing here in Cote Divore West Africa .

I have something of very important one thing that I would want you to help me with your permission to entrust you. I inherited of my defunct father the sum of ($9,700 000 ) Deposited in the here by my Late Father Dr Ibrahim Konah USD nine million saven hundred thousand American dollars).

I want to invest this money in your country with a very honest person and especially in an activity sector profitable of your choice.I await you response in order to give you more complete explanations.After the conclusion of this transaction I will offer you 15%of the total sum for your assistance, Waitting of your Communications that we can discuss modalities concerning the transaction. Hoping to hear from you with anticipation. Thank-you and God bless you
My sincere greetings,
Frank And Nadsh Konah
NB: i will like you to come down hear in Abidjan

Sure buddy I would love to help you out and hey, my dad is defunct too!

Best Spam Ever!

Everybody gets spam and we all know about the Nigerian 419 scam.

Yesterday I accidentally opened one and found the best ploy yet.

ROBERT MUELLER III
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
EMAIL:info@fedbureauofinvestigations.org
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

Well they got the name right, but that’s not his email.

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET

We believe that this notification meets you in a very good present
state of mind and health.

Honestly, I think the FBI couldn’t give two beans about my health and already I can tell this was written by a non-native English speaker.

We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI)
Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation
Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed
through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently
have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as
regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in
your favour accordingly.

Really? That’s news to me.

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening
through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and
have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and
hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to
claim your fund without any further delay.Having said all this, we will
further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office
accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services with you as
well as your correspondence at all level.

All right! We’ve got the FBI stamp of approval! But...the FBI website notes that this is the latest permutation of the 419 scam and once again it’s clearly English as a second language.

In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the
Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of
Prof. Chukwuma Soludo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry
regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has
been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim.
They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is
that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to
scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the
Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.

Oh no evil scammers are messing this up.

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C.
Bailey from OHIO has already contacted them and also presented to them all
the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have
been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund
valued at about US$8,000,000.00 (Eight million united states dollars),
but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing
from you personally before the go ahead on wiring your fund to the
Bank
informations which was forwarded to them by the above named Lady so
that was the main reason why they contacted us so as to assist them in
making the investigations.

Nice touch, someone else is trying to impersonate me and get my money.

They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must
have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them
from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to this
irregularities so that they don't fall victim to this ugly circumstance.

Dear citizens? Sounds a lot like North Korea’s Dear Leader.

And should incase you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming
to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP
further contact with them in your best interest and then contact
immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only
withthe below informations accordingly:

NAME: PROF. CHUKWUMA SOLUDO

OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria,
Central Business District,
Cadastral Zone, Abuja,
Federal Capital Territory,
Nigeria.

TEL: +234-808-089-7326

Email: admin@centralbankpaymentdepartment.com

NOTE:

In your best interest, any message that doesn't come from the above
official email address and phone numbers should not be replied to and
should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will
advise that you contact the Central Bank office immediately with the
above email address and request that they attend to you payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly.

Well that’s nice. They are looking out for my best interests and warning me to stay away from all the other Nigerian scams.

Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as
that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards to the
transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the
Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation
as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous.
Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email
address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary
informations which they may require from you prior to the release of your fund to
you accordingly.

More English as a second language, just what I would expect from the FBI. Mr. Mueller was born in NYC and grew up around Philly, but apparently he can not write grammatically correct English.

All modalities has already been worked out even before you were
contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as
you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require
from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you
and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want
you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to
enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as
time is already running out.

Hurry! Act now before time is up. I feel like I’m watching a late night infomercial.

Should in case you need any more informations in regards to this
notification, feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we
are here to guide you during and after this project has been
completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated.Thank
you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we
earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

BEST REGARDS
ROBERT SWAN MUELLER III
WASHINGTON D.C ROOM,7367
J. EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, DC 20535,USA.
EMAIL: info@fedbureauofinvestigations.org

Sorry dudes, I’m not falling for this. Instead, I’ll forward this baby to the real FBI.